Welcome to Earth.
What is Earth?
Earth is a rather large, reasonably spherical space rock that flies around a giant ball of plasma at approximately 107,000 kilometers per hour.
Who am I?
You are a human. Humans, or homo sapiens, are awkwardly uncoordinated bipedal organisms who believe that the world revolves around them.
What happens next?
In all likelihood, something terrible.
Is there cause for alarm?
Perhaps. I’m still working on that one, but might have an answer for you next week.
Should I be doing anything in the meantime?
I’d suggest buying a pair of fuzzy slippers. These are my personal favourite.